God: “Listen to the voice of your wife!”
It was a bad day.
The man of the house was struggling—depressed, sick with worry and frustration.
His wife wanted him to do something very dark. To him it felt evil.
He was torn between what was best for his two sons, both from different mothers. (Yeah. Some choices in the past leave us with complex decisions in the present.)
Then, God interrupted his thoughts.
He said, “All that Sarah says to you, listen to her voice.” (See Genesis 21.)
Abraham was probably shocked. I know I am when I read that. Listen to her voice?
Sarah was the one who told him to have a baby with the other woman.
The voice of a woman? Isn’t that what got Adam into trouble?
“Listen to the voice of your wife!”
So, what about the times she is wrong?
God did not give a blanket statement here that the wife is always right. Neither does He pretend that the man is always right.
So who do you trust in a marriage?
Simple. The one who has heard from God.
Sometimes God speaks to the wife before He speaks to the husband (See the story of Manoah). Sometimes He speaks to the daughter before speaking to her dad (the angel appeared to young Mary and she had to notify others including her espoused man).
We have to be willing to hear the voice of God and see whom He has chosen to speak through.
Years previous, Abraham had made his wife feel inferior when she could not have a child. As she internalized his devaluation of her, she told him to go sleep with a younger woman. She was not hearing from the Lord in that case but simply trying to distance herself from Abraham’s negative view of her.
He was pursuing life on his own terms rather than as “together.”
I realized one day that I was living my dream while my wife was living a nightmare. That is not God’s plan.
Sharing the enjoyment of life
Rather than husbands and wives being in competition about who is more spiritual, they must learn to share the joy of life together (I Peter 3:7).
If a man is having a good time and his wife is suffering, he is destroying her.
If she insists on insulting him or criticizing him for mistakes, she’s sucking the life out of him.
I sat at Panera the other day and watched a husband and wife who did not understand how much they need each other.
I noticed that after they ordered he sat there for a while by himself before she finally sat down.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to like this place,” she said.
He looked shocked. “The food here is good!”
“I don’t like self-serve restaurants.” She had spent a few minutes of heating up a pastry and buttering it.
Instantly, I saw what the imbalance was in this marriage. They did not realize that they were a balance for each other’s strengths.
A husband and wife are the left brain and right brain for each other. This is an over-simplification of complex human relationships and biology, but it helps me to describe it this way.
The left brain likes details, comfort, and to conserve energy (and thus may enjoy being served).
The right brain likes experience, sounds, flavors, and bargains.
Every marriage is a balance of these values.
God doesn’t speak to you about certain things because He doesn’t trust your spouse but because you have certain strengths your partner doesn’t.
Rather than compete with your spouse about your differences, celebrate them and fill in the gap for each other.
If that husband and wife understood each other, he would have heated up and buttered her pastry, made her coffee the way she likes it, and they both could have enjoyed the restaurant together. I would imagine they would do well for her to plan the activities on their vacation and book reservations ahead of time because he’s probably the type to wait to the last minute. They need each other.
Face the obvious
Marriages suffer when people do the usual: avoid the differences or argue about them. Neither is healthy.
A strong marriage creates a safe and uplifting environment where the husband and wife can both talk about their needs without being temperamental or insulting.
If either one is living with unfulfilled needs in their relationship, the marriage will feel draining rather than life giving.
You have to be the mature one. Your spouse may never be able to articulate his or her needs. You, however, learn to hear what those needs are by hearing past the words or actions.
On the other hand, you have to learn to express your needs in a non-selfish way and not pretend you need nothing from the marriage.
What that woman was really saying was, “I’m uncomfortable using a microwave here and finding all the things I need to enjoy this experience. If you enjoy this so much, could you help me not look like a fool?”
The man’s needs were being met: enjoyable food. He could have met hers without sacrificing his own.
Marriage isn’t rocket science. We can do this.
Instead of thinking one is from Venus and another from Mars, think of your spouse as the exact complement to what you lack. Invest in each other’s strengths and make up for each other’s weaknesses.
And when one of you hears from God, pray the other has the humility to listen.
Here’s a case study of how a husband systematically destroyed his wife.
Want to grow in your marriage and in your understanding of how Jesus trusts women to represent Him in the church? Want to explore more on the topic of how the husband must give himself for his wife as Christ does the church? Visit HeCalledHer.com for a sample download or to buy my book on the topic.