Help Broken People | Daniel J. Koren's
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Help Broken People

Posted by danieljkoren on September 13, 2012 in Devotional |

Selfishness creates broken, torn lives. You probably have damaged people. When you wake up and realize the harm you have caused to the ones you love most, you have to discover what it takes to restore them to a loving relationship. Perhaps you have wounded your spouse or distanced your children from you.

First, if you have spent 10 years damaging a relationship, do not get upset when your damaged loved one does not suddenly recover because you apologized for being such an idiot. You will have to develop and restore love and trust over a long period of time until souls are whole again. You may have to do your part for years until you finally see the results. Fortunately, once you get it right, your relationship and that person’s life-worth will far exceed what they ever were.

Second, just spotting the problem is not enough. Once you realize that you and your spouse are in conflict, for example, it does no good to just notice the error. Pointing out a flat tire does not fix it; calling out a cold and unresponsive mate does not either. You have to know what to do and not make a big drama out of it. Change yourself and watch your relationship blossom.

Hurting people hurt people

During my teen years, my fascination with dogs drove me to read every book in the library about the canine species. While I learned a lot about feeding, grooming, and training dogs, the most remarkable book I stumbled across was a biography called Jellybean vs. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It is the biography of a dog once named Jellybean who went berserk on his owner and attacked him. Instead of destroying the dog, the author of the book took him on as a project and deprogrammed him. At the end, the dog was a cuddly, loving pup again.

I know I have created volatile relationships in my little world. I could easily say that such a person should be put away or kept at a safe distance. However, to the extent that I can create tensions and hostility with others, so I can reverse my polarity and draw out harmony and love. It is not that any of us want bad relationships, it might be that we just do not realize what it takes to develop close ones.

Rebuild trust

Meisterfeld transformed this Jekyll-and-Hyde dog by slow, patient persistence. Any time any person came by Jellybean’s kennel the dog would snap and jump. The trainer would walk out each morning, whistle as if the dog was harmless, and drop in a meat treat. Then he would walk away. Day after day, he did this (I do not know how long because it has been about two decades since I read the book), until slowly the dog realized he was not a threat.

Eventually Jellybean began looking forward to seeing Meisterfeld. All he did was establish trust and show the dog he was not a threat. Can you imagine seeing the people who jump and snarl at you becoming people who skip around and wag to see you? Prove yourself safe by the consist presentation of the love of God. Show them that you have not just changed for a week, but a lifetime.

Human “love bait”

So, the meaty chunks Meisterfeld gave Jellybean will have to be replaced by something else if you are to re-socialize others to yourself. It might be food or other ways you can show them favor. Jellybean went nuts because his owner would smack at him in discipline. Once Jellybean recovered he joined society again as a new dog.

Your wounded loved ones will need you to set love before them on a consistent daily basis. How does your specific person feel loved? That’s what you need to do for him or her. It might help to understand love languages and speak them correctly. I present a short clip on it here: https://vimeo.com/49046769.

Changing your behavior so they can change their response

The owner of Jellybean had originally called the dog by a different name. Meisterfeld changed the dog’s name to help create a new identity for him. All the old stigmas came with that old name. It retained his old identity of hateful reactions to his demanding owner. Once the trainer changed the name and reprogrammed the dog, the owner was able to approach the dog on a new level.

Perhaps you and I could learn how to reprogram our broken relationships by using a new name. Instead of the old nickname for your loved one, maybe this restoration process calls for a new nickname or a more respectful one. With children, a parent could help stop the hostile relationship by ceasing from calling the child by all three names (as in “John Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmidt”).

We should also learn to be like God to others. He does not deal with us according to our faults but according to His great mercy. Rather than trying to change your loved one, just love him or her. Rebuild trust. Stop demanding. Lead, stop driving. Inspire.

10 Comments

  • smile says:

    daniel i want to ask u,please answer questions in order like ans1 ,ans2 :-
    – If a person has a beautiful soul,is kind (he believes that if he earns 100$ then he should take enough for him to eat & live & then give the rest to poor) , (he has a tear in his eye when he sees a puppy crying on the road), & very caring , and if that person is just filled with love (as if he is born to love,and there’s nothing more important than love) and that person will literally cry the day his love kisses him with love and that person is very very talented,like he can do much things , he is good at numerous talents & is like diversally talented (he cant even count u the things in which he is good at or has interest in)..If this person has been humiliated his whole life & made fun of & neglected & treated like a nerd all his life.and if he wants to change his life , then he has to work hardest possibly
    if he wants to do something really great ,but his circumstances & the way he can achieve that , even he works hard,is incredibly impossible .
    if he wants to work hard today , he has to sacrifice his family , friends everything .
    he is really intelligent & has a very intelligent brain.
    BUT THAT PERSON HAS A NATURAL LACK OF WILLPOWER,EFFORT,BURNING DESIRE,CONCENTRATION.IT IS LIKE IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO GET THESE THINGS IN HIM.
    ITS IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO RESIST TEMPTATION (flavor,sex,entertainment) AS IF HE IS NATURALLY WEAK TO FIGHT TEMPTATIONS..
    Q1- do u think God sends a person like this just to live a normal , “job-doing” life & then die in the end ?
    Q2- do u believe such persons are born to do something greater?
    Q3- Do u believe that God did not give this person WILLPOWER & other values of success listed above , beacuse that person already is talented, and on the top of that if He gave him THE SUCCESS VALUES, then that would have been really easy for him to become a great person?
    Q4- do u believe that He did not give the person above willpower ,burning desire , concentration along with his multi talents because then that would be too much blessings for one person?
    Q5- Do u believe that since the person above has no willpower & motivation, God wants him to fight himself incredibly hard & just burn himself in fire so that he emerges as a gold?it is often said that “raw gold goes through fire,burns itself & then emerges as pure gold” , so do u think this ?
    Q6- Do u think god set him down to change the world & fill it with love because if u look at his qualities above , then he is incredibly kind (like u cant imagine) , is all about love & is loving(like u cant imagine) and is very caring (like u cant imagine) , and these things are in him right from birth..so u think he is down here to change the world & fill it with love everywhere ?
    Q7 – Do u God made him weak for tempatation so that he can learn to fight temptation and defeat it (which is nearly impossible for him) but after fighting himself & all the tempatations , weaknessess , the lack of willpower ,God wants him to become something extremely greater,(coz a person who will defeat these things above will be defintely end up as a greater person from the inside).
    Q8- do u think that God deliberately put the person above in a battle where he can fight his emotions , weaknesses , temptations , and become someone who is incredibly great,intelligent ,talented . loving , caring & unbelievably kind & humble & spread the love all around the world to save it from pain ?
    PLEASE ANSWER DANIEL UR ADVICE IS LIKE GOLD TO ME :)

    • smile says:

      THE PERSON ABOVE I TOLD U ABOUT ALSO HAS TEARS IN HIS EYES WHEN HE LISTENS TO A BEAUTIFUL SONG OR OPERA..PLEASE HELP ME DANIEL :(

    • danieljkoren says:

      We do not naturally have enough willpower. God’s willpower (His desires) overcome our sinful desires when we walk in His Spirit and let Him lead us.
      Ans1: Our lives may seem pretty basic and simple, but we can accomplish great things for the Lord that we won’t even realize the difference we have made. The Apostle Paul died not knowing if he had won or lost. He had no idea how much Christianity would be shaped by his ministry.
      Ans2: Greatness is what we find in God’s eyes, not in our personal accomplishments. We do not have to succeed to expectations others put on us.
      Ans3: When we are filled with the Holy Spirit (with speaking in a new language we never learned by traditional methods), He puts His desires in our hearts. His will is stronger than our wishes for doing good things. He gives us as much power to live as we will allow Him.
      Ans4: God will not put on us more than we can handle. If He wants you to do a certain thing to change the world, He will give you the ability to do it. Paul’s great blessings did cause him to have to deal with some severe hindrances and discomforts in life.
      Ans5: We do not put ourselves through the fire. God puts us in it as He chooses. We do develop discipline, however, by fasting (going without eating for a day or so), praying, and giving to our church and those in need.
      Ans6: Absolutely. This person is created in the image of God. He has a purpose and plan for His child to change the world with Him. The Love of the Lord is the most powerful force.
      Ans7: Our weaknesses show us how much we need God’s power. His Spirit makes us strong. To overcome temptation, we walk in the Spirit. Too many people try to run ahead of God instead of walking with Him. Others dig in their heels and backslide from His desires. We need to learn to walk with Him, carefully, day by day. To become what God wants a person to be, we learn patience. Jesus was 12 and knew what His mission was, but He was not empowered for ministry until He was 30.
      Ans8: We find ourselves in a battle with sin just as human beings. Our battles are not what make us great. Our faith and obedience in the Lord are what shape us. It is not a person’s opportunities to sin that make him strong—it is his opportunities to do righteously.

      • smile says:

        thank u daniel so much for leading me the way :) ur ans6 says that God has sent him down here to do something great, but daniel the thing is that what if that person just does not have burning desire in him to work hard ? how can he get that burning desire to wake up early in the morning ? what can he do so that all his brain thinks about is just the target of his life nothing else ? please help me daniel..

        • danieljkoren says:

          Prayer. Emotion-filled prayer just talking to God about how great He is helps a person get things in the right perspective. As you pursue Him you will find yourself. Seek first the Kingdom and His righteousness. Your personal identity will emerge from that.

          • smile says:

            can u explain to me daniel what is an “emotion-filled” prayer can u write that prayer to me ? please daniel just write & tell me what an exact prayer should be like,prayer which asks forgiveness from Him for many sins committed , please daniel ..
            how should i pursue Him ?
            how shall i seek for his kingdom & his righteousness ?
            please help me daniel :( i am going to lose myself forever :( actually i have lost myself forever :(

          • danieljkoren says:

            See my other response. You are about to be found in the Holy Spirit!

  • smile says:

    thank you so much daniel :) i have really become a great fan of yours by reading you & also since you have helped so much daniel :) thank u so much :) thank u so much :)

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