Confessions of an emotional abuser
I’ve needed to tell this story for a long time. 🤦♂️
I guess no time is going to be any easier than another.
It began with a simple statement I heard on a recording.
I began to think. Introspect. Then I knew I had to say something.
I cracked.
I sobbed so hard it was tough to get air.
All I meant to do was get some things right with my wife.
Once I started, one thing lead to another and I found myself confessing things I hadn’t even thought about.
She helped me by pointing out some things I needed to own up to. 😁
She told me how the children at different times had come to her wounded by things I had done and said.
We aren’t talking physical abuse here because she wouldn’t have let me get away with that. Once she thought I was about to harm a child and she about moved me out. I still don’t get that ‘cause I was not going to hurt him. Anyway, she told me all my clothes were clean and she’d help me pack whatever I was taking. Gotta love her grit.
As I opened up that particular night about my control issues and how I had mistreated her in various ways over several years of marriage, I began to realize I also had to make things right with my children.
I’m not sure if I slept that night we stayed up so late talking. When morning came, I got my children together for devotions like we often did.
I filled a bowl of water, put a towel over my shoulder, and went from child to child.
I admitted to them where I had insulted, demeaned, or intimidated them.
Then, I asked if I could wash their feet.
Something had snapped inside of me.
I could now see what I was.
I could see what I had been.
Yes, I always loved my kids.
Yes, we did fun things together.
But none of that made up for those angry days when I would bully, threaten, yell, and demand action.
My wife would also not escape my wrath.
I write this to give you a sense of what motivates me to investigate this idea of emotional abuse.
I write this so you can know that a emotional abuser can change.
My wife told me of something our little girl said after I had thrown a fit and stormed out.
Weeping, she clung to her mom whom I had just trashed verbally.
She said, “Are you just a kid, too, mommy?” Sobbing, she said, “I don’t want you to be just a kid!”
I had no idea the monster I had become.
Our lives had not started out this way.
But I had grown bitter with disappointments, a year of depression (undiagnosed), and fading hopes for the future.
My wife and children had become the lightning rods to absorb my negative charges.
I believe my blindness to my wickedness was worse than my behavior.
How could I not see myself? The mirrors were everywhere.
I only needed to look into the eyes of my child as I towered over him yelling, “What were you thinking?”
I only had to watch how they treated each other and then ask where they learned to behave that way.
I could also have looked at my family tree and see those fruits in other lives and known I was likely to manifest the same traits.
I’m not sure what I would do to help a person like I was.
If I could go back and talk to myself then, I don’t think I would have listened.
I didn’t listen when my wife tried to plead with me. She was just being overly emotional. I wasn’t as bad as a drunk coming home and beating everyone senseless. I told her she should be thankful I wasn’t like that. 😳
I mean, come on, no one is perfect. 🙄
So what got my attention?
Jesus. 👀
Easy answer?
Not really. I had a relationship with Jesus.
Jesus and I were in business together.
I was a preacher. A pastor. A spiritual caretaker.
See why I couldn’t imagine I had a problem? I was in business with God.
Sure, I wasn’t perfect, but I wasn’t as bad as some of the people I had ministered to.
I mean, I’d ministered in the felon’s area in the jail. You should hear some of those guys’ stories. You’d think I was a saint!
But Jesus got me.
It began a couple years after my depression.
He changed my understanding of Him. He shifted my faith.
I’ll write more about that process and what I learned at a later time.
Basically, I came to expect His righteousness to shine through me.
I accepted that I was complete in Him and I could love, give, and do everything by His strength.
He took the space I gave Him and began to move into every area of my life.
My marriage is one area. What kind of husband would He be to my wife?
This process was my own. No one pushed it on me. He came in through a door I was willing to open to Him. I just didn’t know how many rooms He did not already have in my life.
The experience of Jesus Christ today is lived through my life and yours. What kind of dad would He be to my children?
And so it began. I’m still surrendering.
It’s more than just stopping the selfish, jerkish behavior. He’s done more than stop me from venting on my family.
Recently, I’ve made a major change because He said I must do this for my children to grow in His Kingdom and serve Him as He intends. This meant giving up some of my titles and areas of ministry.
If you are dealing with a an emotional abuser or you see abusive tendencies in your life and are looking to be transformed, let me suggest two things.
- Focus on Jesus continually. Stare. Read. Talk. Listen. Soak. He’ll come through you if you persist. Thus, Jesusin2020.com
- Be the person to your victims He intended. Don’t focus on just stopping the manipulation and intimidation. How are you supposed to encourage, sacrifice, and give yourself for them so they can step into the identity the Lord has for them?
I’d love to hear your story.
25 Comments
Dear Daniel,
ThAnkyou
ThAnkyou
ThAnkyou!
You are very welcome!
Thank you for honesty .Being Apostolic, it is easy to cover up and say we are fine. . How I wish for more teaching on God’s plan for the home. God will bless you for helping us see how we can better minister to our family. We need more instructions and accounabilty and less shouting in our services.
There are some good books on the family. I’d also offer my devotionswithdad.com
Wow
I appreciate your candidness this is not a topic that is easy to share. Emotional abuse manifests its ugly head. In many ways. I come from a broken marriage. that destroyed my marriage and sent me on a path spiraling away from God. IIt has been a long road to restoration and recovery . I know Jesus can mend the wound as only he can.
I’m sorry you’ve been through that! Thank you Jesus for helping my friend recover!
Thank you! For sharing! I was like this a little. But because my wife wouldn’t put up with it He changed me much earlier, can it ever be early enough? Sadly I passed it down to my youngest son! Bit now he is getting delivered. Praising Jesus for His Love.
Yes, let’s stop it before it passes on to the next generation. We’ve had many conversations and prayers with our children so they will learn how to deal with those emotions within themselves and how to be emotionally intelligent and assertive when dealing with manipulators.
Yes!!! Love this!! I have always believed that people resignate more with our weakness than our strengths though we all have both. You just opened the door to more people and especially husbands and ministers to feel hope for their own struggle. Confessing our faults brings healing not only for ourselves but for others too. Thank you Bro, Koren for being real and raw in this article about your personal struggle!! We have all been here at some point in time and in some kind of fashion with the battle of the flesh! It helps to know we are not alone in the struggle. God will surely anoint this next book…can’t wait!
Great thought! Jesus’s strength is made perfect in weakness.
Wow!
This is so deep… can you email me again so that I can read your articles?
Yes, of course!
Just what I needed.It really makes you stop and think.Thank you
I’m so grateful!
Thank you for being transparent. Very thought provoking!
You are welcome. It wasn’t easy. 🥴
Great . Sometimes it’s very difficult to confess as we feel guilty of our own deeds. It’s only through Holyspirit that speaks to our heart .
I know this was difficult to admit, to write and to share. Thank you for being willing, being brave and courageous. We need candor and honesty amongst our fellowship. There are more folks among us that need to hear this testimony. They need to know that there is hope for them, too.
Your testimony ministered to me as I have been on both sides.
I’m so glad it helped!
Amazing transparency. I am truly moved. Your willingness to share your personal journey on such a difficult topic will bring healing to many. Thank you.
Thank you so much.
This goes back a number of years, so I didn’t think it would be a big deal to post now. What has surprised me is how many times I’ve had the urge to delete it. Pride, you will not win!
I was one of the guys you mentioned in the jail. I appreciated you then and today in the midst of a mental “trial” I stumbled on your message while looking at cupons. Lol. But someone whispered listen to me and take the time to read this .so I did. Not only did it hit directly on the very problem I can’t seem to drive away, but it brought a new light to the struggle I often face. So as I sit here trying in vain not to sob… I want to say thanks again Daniel Koren for bringing a shining Ray of Godly light into my life once again .
Casey! Man, it’s good to hear from you again! Jesus has great plans for you.