What is wrong with my wife?

He is killing her

Posted by danieljkoren on March 5, 2013 in Devotional |

Many guys ask, “What is wrong with my wife?” She is stressed, irrational, and moody. Sometimes it is like she is losing her mind. Then, these misguided husbands try to fix the problem by yelling, demanding, and otherwise demeaning her even more, since they assume she needs a good push in the right direction. What they miss is that they are the ones destroying their own wives.

Dear Sir, if you want to kill your wife, then

  • raise your voice so she hears you loud and clear
  • scream at the children and rough them up
  • make ridiculous demands so you can burst a blood vessel when the family does not fulfill your wishes.

All these techniques (and more you can come up with on your own) will ensure you a domestic disaster.

What is wrong with my wife?

My friend destroyed his wife. She came down with all kinds of health conditions requiring medical attention numerous times. It is a wonder she is alive after the debilitating effects of degenerative disease, organ failure, extreme depression, substance abuse, and dependence on numerous prescriptions. It irritated him how weak and sickly she was. He remembered a time when she was strong and could take anything.

Of course, when they met she was a tough cookie. That’s one thing he liked about her. She could hold her own. And he gave it to her. After a few pregnancies and years of his hard-fisted leadership, she began to crack. For the life of him, he could not figure out what had happened. Must be something in the water. Or maybe it was her mother turning her against him.

Idiots. That’s what we demanding husbands are. We have no clue the physical damage we are causing our wives.

Systematic marital suicide

Here’s the science behind what happened to her. Every time he yelled, her body released adrenaline and cortisol. These chemicals empower a person for fight or flight. When he smacked their child, her body chemicals surged, ready for action. When he said they had to be somewhere at such and such a time and she had better not make him look bad, something inside her died.

When he was doing over-the-road driving, her body got a chance to mend and she would recover. As soon as he came home, the machismo in him would induce this biochemical response in her. Eventually, her body began to associate him with panic in general. He did not know he was killing her; he was just being a “man” like his dad had been.

Sensing that she was pulling away from him emotionally, spiritually, and physically, he decided the best cure would be for them to be together all the time. After all, in the beginning they were close and seemed to have none of the issues they were facing now. Perhaps being together all the time again will get her back to being her old self—the one he fell in love with.

Unfortunately, being on the road put more stress on her. She gave up her fight. Her health failed.

He does not realize the problem is not his mother-in-law. She did not make his wife this way. She simply sees the damage he has done to her daughter and wants to protect her. If he would have a moment of clarity, he would recall that his wife was in pretty good shape when he “rescued” her from the in-laws. Perhaps they are not the problem.

Scientific marital suicide

When the human body does not use the adrenaline and cortisol in physical exertion as God intended, these complex chemicals get dumped into the liver. Of course, the liver works hard at purifying the blood along with hundreds of other jobs it tends to. When a person gets a continual surge of these fight-or-flight potions without using them, they overload the liver. When the liver gets buried under a heavy workload, the body starts to fall apart.

Stray clumps of biochemicals like adrenaline and cortisol begin eating at the brain. Early symptoms include short-term memory loss. A stress-free person does not have these issues nearly as badly as a person under strain. Gaps in logic occur. Speech issues, “I forgot why I am here” moments, and odd disease spring up in an otherwise normal person.

Yelling at my wife destroys her brain. Dumping an extra workload on an already busy wife is like hitting her with a baseball bat. If I do not learn to love my wife by helping relieve the stressors in her life, I can plan on learning to love her through dementia, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, fibromyalgia, and cancer.

Love relieves

God’s love for me did not dump loads of stress and guilt on my shoulders; I had that before I found Him. He lifted off the heavy load. He took away my fear of death and gave me hope for each new day. Similarly, God did not send me a wife whom I could be a devil to. He wants me to be Christ to her. I must cherish her, rescue her from the stressors of life, and give myself for her—not make her sacrifice herself for me.

I know my sweetheart is reading this and probably smiling to herself.

Or crying.

I only wish I had been able to read something like this seventeen years ago. My friend never could figure it out and his ex-wife is another man’s arms today. For all the guys asking, “What is wrong with my wife?” I offer this highly offensive answer: YOU ARE!

Now stop crucifying her and stressing her out. Go restore her with sacrificial love (Ephesians 5:25-28).


  • Phyllis Levy says:

    I read this. I read this twice. I cried. How could he have known what happened in my life? I cried. I blamed God. I did the right things so how could things turn out so horrible? I did not have relief until after he(husband)died. But now, it is the kids. But I am learning. Perhaps I am doing not the bad thing but the WRONG thing. A good thing does not necessarily mean the right thing. I am learning. But I am tired. And I KNEW that I was not crazy. Thank you for writing the truth, Mr. Koran. Better late than never…

    • danieljkoren says:

      Phyllis, thank you for sharing how this impacted you. I’m sure there are many more we could save before they do too much damage. My prayers are for you this evening.

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